MW I spend hundreds on martial arts and STEM classes for one kid - and $0 on the other. Am I a bad mom?

By Aditi Shrikant

'One has a great curiosity about things ... The other hasn't quite identified what their interests are yet'

One of the most powerful ways to show your child they matter is to become attuned to their personality.

Dear Dollar Signs,

I have two elementary-school-age children. They have very different personalities. One has a great curiosity about things and enjoys extracurriculars, including some that are pricey. For example, martial arts is $160 a month, not including fees for the tests and belts. During school breaks, a STEM camp they enjoy is $100 a day.

The other hasn't quite identified what their interests are yet. They are content to hang out at home and watch television with me. I have asked if they want to do any other activities, and they usually just say "no." If they had a "thing" they gravitated toward, I would try to nourish that, but so far, nothing has emerged.

Should I feel obligated to spend an equal amount of money on them? Would a focus on fairness be wise or counterproductive? I want them to feel equally supported by me financially.

No Favorites

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Dear No Favorites,

This concern is very sweet and understandable, but I'm not sure it's totally about money.

I don't have kids, but I imagine a large point of anxiety is not knowing the type of adult they'll grow up to be, and what you're doing - or not doing - to influence that outcome.

You want your kids to learn who they are and have experiences that help them form a strong sense of self. That is easier to gauge when your kid is expressing an active interest in specific hobbies. I could see how a child who just likes to hang out at home can seem like a black box to a parent.

However, self-discovery isn't limited to extracurriculars. It can happen anywhere.

Instead of putting money aside for your homebody child, I'd suggest redefining what "support" means to you and looks like in your family. If you want both of your kids to feel prioritized, focus more on the energy you're funneling toward each of them, rather than the money.

At such a young age, it's unlikely that they care or even understand the impact of money anyway, says Mona Delahooke, a pediatric psychologist with three adult children and two grandchildren.

"What seems to matter most to children is the amount of connection and attention they get from a parent, and not how much money is spent on activities," she said.

This approach might help both of them feel seen by you and, hopefully, alleviate some of your anxiety about things being "fair." Because, as you point out, attempting to create fairness in your home is a losing game. Even kids who grew up in the same house at the same time with the same resources can have very different childhood memories.

Invest your attention, not your money

One of the most powerful ways to show your child they matter is to become attuned to their personality, says Jennifer Breheny Wallace, the author of "When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic - And What We Can Do About It," and a parent of three children.

'I like to think of it as earning a Ph.D. in your child.'Jennifer Breheny Wallace, the author of 'When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic - And What We Can Do About It'

Are you expressing the same level of interest in each child's life? If you do feel like your activity-oriented child is monopolizing your attention, that is the issue - not the money you're spending.

"I like to think of it as earning a Ph.D. in your child - learning them, studying them, showing them that you know who they are deep at their core," Wallace said.

I know you have good intentions in asking your homebody child what they want to do, but pushing too hard might give the impression that you would value them more if they were like their sibling.

"What matters is that they feel your investment," Wallace said. "That they can say, 'My parent gets me. They see me. They love me exactly as I am.'"

Conversely, spending more money on your active child doesn't necessarily mean you are in touch with who they are.

"You could be driving your kid all over town and be totally distracted," Wallace noted.

Whether it's sitting on the couch together or chauffeuring them to a class, the most important thing you can do is listen to your kids and validate their interests.

Over time, money spent on each kid might balance out

You don't know how each of your children is going to mature, or which interests they'll adopt or drop. So it might comfort you to know that over the course of your child's life, it will probably all balance out.

At least that's what Wallace - whose children are 20, 18 and 15 years old - has found.

"Raising kids is not a mathematical equation where you need to balance the budget every day, or every week," she said. "This ebb and flow of money and energy is balanced over a lifetime with your kids."

But if your anxiety stems more from knowing who they might grow into as adults, I'd say let them each have their space to figure it out. If they are as thoughtful and observant as you are, I have a feeling things will turn out just fine.

-Aditi Shrikant

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September 11, 2025 14:32 ET (18:32 GMT)

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