'Having just lost a parent and having no backing from the siblings, my wife did not feel she should contest the decision'

"Should we have challenged the executor?"

Dear Dollar Signs,

My mother-in-law died several years ago, leaving her longtime residence as part of her estate. Four siblings - two brothers and two sisters - had grown up in that home. The plan was to sell the house and divide the proceeds equally among them.

My wife was the only sibling who expressed an interest in keeping the house in the family. We proposed buying the house at the price the siblings had agreed, with each receiving an equal share. In fact, each would receive more than they otherwise would have, as there was no real-estate agent or commission. The sale would be handled through the probate process. (We had a similar arrangement with my two brothers when my parents died and we sold their home.)

My brother-in-law, who was the executor of the estate, objected; he said, "I'm not going to let anyone profit from mom's death." My wife explained that we were offering to pay the full agreed-upon price for the house. We were not asking for a discount or proposing any kind of under-the-table deal. Each sibling would receive one-quarter of the proceeds from the sale.

My wife also pointed out that we had a deep emotional attachment to the house and did not want to see it sold to a stranger. I agreed. Over the years, my wife and I had spent a great deal of time and emotional energy caring for my in-laws there. My wife handled the decisions about repairs and upkeep, and she was involved in their medical care and other major decisions. I helped organize their finances so I could pay their caregivers and monthly bills. Many of the major decisions concerning my in-laws were made after consulting with my wife.

My brother-in-law, however, was adamant that he did not want to sell the house to us. He told us that if we wanted to challenge his decision, we could "get [our] probate lawyer and I will get my probate lawyer and we'll see who wins in court."

What was particularly disappointing was that the other two siblings either agreed with their brother or had no opinion on the matter. My wife had just lost her mother, and without the support of her siblings, she did not feel she should contest the decision.

Should we have challenged the executor? Or was my brother-in-law within his rights to refuse to sell?

Huffing and Puffing Husband

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Dear Husband,

While your brother-in-law's behavior does sound a bit caustic, at least by your retelling, I urge you to de-center yourself. This is about your wife and her family - not you, nor whether or not you should have contested the decision.

Your wife, while she might possess similar thoughts to you, did not see it as appropriate or worthwhile to fight for the home. It seems like the rest of the siblings all came to the same conclusion. You should respect this decision by dropping the issue.

We don't know for sure, but they may have arrived at this choice using logic that predates you. Sibling relationships are some of the most formative, co-dependent bonds. No matter how long you have been married, you will never fully understand how your wife and her siblings all relate to one another.

That is OK, but you need to trust that they have more information about how their family operates than you do, and they are moving forward in a way that will make everyone's lives easier, even if that means enduring somewhat hurtful assumptions by this one brother.

The executor must honor the will. If it states that the property must be equally distributed to multiple beneficiaries, your brother-in-law legally might have no right to deny selling you this property. Either way, the only way to know what is and isn't legal would be to consult a lawyer.

Support your wife

Your wife and her siblings are the "primary grievers," says Joanne Cacciatore, a professor at Arizona State University who researches traumatic grief. They are the ones who are experiencing the most profound sense of loss. "Everyone around the primary grievers need to tread lightly," she notes.

Your role is to focus on your wife's well-being and "show up nonjudgmentally," Cacciatore says: "A silent, nonintrusive and supportive presence is a lasting gift." In grief, people don't need opinions or guidance so much as they just need a witness.

It's also important to remember that grief is disorienting. Bring a little forgiveness to the picture, says Celeste Birkhofer, a clinical psychologist and adjunct clinical faculty member at Stanford Medical School who emphasizes grief counseling.

"When you are in grief, you are often not your best self and you're not thinking things through," she says.

You said yourself that this house was important to you and your wife, not only because of the money you put into it but the memories you made there. Her brother might feel the same way, but his sadness and sentimentality may be manifesting in a different way.

Possessions are often "tangible symbols of love and perceived parental favor," Birkhofer says. By contesting the decision, you might have supplanted positive memories with ill will and friction.

That, alone, could make challenging the executor not worth it. Empathize with their pain; try to understand that this house is an emotionally charged possession. Ultimately, your wife's feelings should be your primary concern. If she is OK with where things landed, you should be, too.