MW I'm 70 and have Alzheimer's. My son's girlfriend put $750 worth of lottery tickets on a credit card I gave him. What can I do?
By Quentin Fottrell
'I contacted the credit-card company, but was advised they could not reimburse me for the theft'
"I have always paid his real-estate taxes, and auto-insurance premiums on two vehicles." (Photo subject is a model.)
Dear Quentin,
I am 70 years old and living with Alzheimer's disease. I live in Florida.
My son lives in Oregon. I have a wonderful spouse who takes good care of me and cooks all meals, etc. My son is my only offspring and he is slightly autistic. He is 50 years old. He receives financial benefits from his stint in the Army. However, I have always paid his real-estate taxes, and auto-insurance premiums on two vehicles. I have also provided him with a credit card to pay for unexpected expenses above his financial needs. I have also paid for substantial repairs to his home. He has never used the card for frivolous things.
Growing up in severe poverty, I have amassed a substantial sum of money. I saved over $1 million, in addition to buying real estate so that I can die knowing my son will have financial backing. However, I now see that is possibly the worst decision I can make. My spouse and I have always kept our finances separate. My son has a live-in girlfriend. I was always happy he had someone in his life and we got along well. However, she recently purchased $750 in lotto tickets using my credit card that I provide for emergencies.
I contacted the credit-card company, but was advised they could not reimburse me for the theft because she lives in the home and has access to the card. My son was very angry that I might charge her for theft or do anything adverse to her. He said he would never see nor speak to me again if I proceeded with legal action. I know this is elder abuse because of my age and my Alzheimer's is getting worse. I am certain I will need home care or nursing-home care in the future. But what should I do about my son?
The Mother
Related: I'm about to inherit a lot of money. How do I make sure my husband doesn't get any of it?
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.
Cut off the credit card. It's time for your son to stand on his own two feet.
Dear Mother,
If she did it once, she will do it again. As will he.
Cut off the credit card. It's time for your son to stand on his own. If he can afford to have a house, car and girlfriend, he can afford to pay his own bills, property taxes, auto insurance and dinners in or out with his girlfriend. Your trust has been broken and, rather than apologizing and attempting to make amends, he threatened you with the only gunpowder he has in his cannon: the withdrawal of his love. But love that is conditional and used to financially exploit an elderly parent who has dementia is not the kind of love you should accept as worthy of you.
You are fortunate to have a loving spouse, so you can have a long conversation about how you would like your assets to be managed after you go - and one way to do that is to act now, while you still have testamentary capacity, to set up a marital trust with a spendthrift clause. It's important to act as soon as possible. You can, if you wish, set up payments for your son for property taxes and other bills, but it's questionable whether supporting him financially has a) earned you his respect and loyalty and b) helped him or merely enabled him.
When you have established a trust, which will become irrevocable upon your passing, you can also look into setting up power-of-attorney documents for your spouse. The power of attorney should be "durable" and should specify that your partner will make decisions on your behalf when you are incapacitated or otherwise unable to do so yourself. Until that time, you will maintain the power to make your own decisions. You should also assign your spouse and/or a third party to have power of attorney for healthcare decisions.
A living will or living trust can also provide additional instructions for how you wish your estate to be handled after your death. Crucially, a trust would help your executor to avoid probate, and also provide conditions for any future payments made to your son. Making sure you have these documents in place before you enter mid- or late-stage Alzheimer's will prevent complications later on - like your spouse having to apply to be your guardian or conservator, which can be a lengthy and complicated process.
Preventing elder financial abuse
The National Institute on Aging outlines several signs that a person is no longer able to look after their own finances, including "trouble counting change, paying for a purchase, calculating a tip, balancing a checkbook or understanding a bank statement." Nearly 7 million Americans have Alzheimer's disease, which is one of many forms of dementia. Nearly two-thirds of people with Alzheimer's are women, and older Black Americans are about twice as likely as white Americans to have this disease.
Elder financial abuse, researchers say, falls into the categories of "occasion, desperation and predation" - or opportunity, financial need and strategic exploitation. It only takes one bad actor to create a problem, and you can remove any temptation from your son by giving him some tough love. Roughly 10% of people over 65 experience some form of abuse, according to studies cited by a paper published in the Cureus, a peer-reviewed online medical journal. "These rates are often higher in long-term-care facilities such as nursing homes, despite government regulations aimed toward addressing this issue," the authors wrote.
Ordinarily, if you suspect someone of elder abuse, you should report them to adult protective services, or call 911 and report them to local law-enforcement authorities or your district attorney's office. In this case, your son took advantage of your generosity, and has shown that he is not above using emotional blackmail to get what he wants. The National Center on Elder Abuse, a government agency affiliated with the U.S. Administration on Aging, says that 1 in 10 people over the age of 60 in the U.S. experienced some form of abuse in the prior year.
You can also freeze your account with all three major credit bureaus - Experian (UK:EXPN), TransUnion (TRU) and Equifax $(EFX)$ - so your son and/or his girlfriend are unable to take out loans or open accounts in your name. This is also good practice for anyone whose financial accounts or Social Security number have been compromised. MetLife has found that women were nearly twice as likely as men to be victims of elder financial abuse. Most victims were over the age of 80, lived alone and required some level of help with either healthcare or home maintenance.
Your son needs to experience life without the gravy train.
Related: My mother, 81, discovered her 'millions' in investments are gone. What can I do?
Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell:
My friend, 61, signed a $20K contract for dental implants. She can't afford it. Can she fight it?
My married adult son constantly demands money. How do I put an end to his mooching?
My friend married for a second time. Will the kids from her first marriage lose their inheritance?
Check out the Moneyist private Facebook group, where members help answer life's thorniest money issues. Post your questions, or weigh in on the latest Moneyist columns.
By emailing your questions to the Moneyist or posting your dilemmas on the Moneyist Facebook group, you agree to have them published anonymously on MarketWatch.
By submitting your story to Dow Jones & Co., the publisher of MarketWatch, you understand and agree that we may use your story, or versions of it, in all media and platforms, including via third parties.
-Quentin Fottrell
This content was created by MarketWatch, which is operated by Dow Jones & Co. MarketWatch is published independently from Dow Jones Newswires and The Wall Street Journal.
(END) Dow Jones Newswires
September 24, 2025 05:15 ET (09:15 GMT)
Copyright (c) 2025 Dow Jones & Company, Inc.