MW 'I can't stop thinking about money': I'm struggling with guilt over my $135K in financial mistakes. How do I move on?

By Quentin Fottrell

'We aren't in debt outside of our mortgage, but I feel sick when I think about the money'

"Our house needed to be renovated. We didn't push back enough on our contractor, agreeing to things we didn't need." (Photo subject is a model.)

Dear Quentin,

We bought a 100-year-old house about 2 1/2 years ago, and while it had good bones it suffered from benign neglect. I'm struggling with guilt and shame regarding the amount of money we have spent since purchasing it.

We have the money - we aren't in debt outside of our mortgage - but I can't stop thinking about money. We buy secondhand, cancel streaming, bring lunch etc. But these things are only drops in the bucket compared to these massive financial mistakes and decisions.

Guilt 1: We overpaid/undernegotiated due to the market conditions and using a friend as a realtor. This probably cost us about $15,000.

Guilt 2: Our house needed to be renovated and we didn't push back enough on our contractor, agreeing to things we didn't need because we didn't know. Cost: probably $75,000 in unnecessary work.

Guilt 3: We have spent another $60,000 this year on home projects alone. Some of it was necessary - our back deck was rotting away, roof damage etc., - and some of it was completely unnecessary. (Aesthetics like decor, functionality, landscaping, etc.) I love the things we have done, but now that the year is almost over and I see the sum in aggregate, I feel sick.

Seeking peace of mind

How do you forgive yourself for financial mistakes?

How do you (or don't you) justify spending on things when you can "afford" to do it? As in, our other goals are largely being met, but this money could have been used towards vacations, paying down our mortgage, in a savings account for our kids or allowing me to work less and see them more.

When I have anxiety spirals, I try to find solutions. If I get a parking ticket, I will make my own coffee this month, or whatever. But obviously, I don't have $150,000 in solutions. I can't buy secondhand clothes to offset $150,000. This is a "delay retirement for a year" level offset. Should I just try to live a little more frugally for the next 10 years?

Sorry for rambling: 2025 has been rough on this mom.

New Homeowner

Related: I have a 'mundane' First World problem: Should I buy a $30,000 bracelet?

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

In 5, 10 or 15 years, this $135,000 you spent renovating the house and the extra $15,000 you spent buying it will be a drop in the ocean.

Dear Homeowner,

We make decisions and we learn from them. That is the real return on investment.

What if you didn't have the money to buy a new home? What if you didn't have a spouse to share this experience with? What if you didn't have the $150,000 to fix the problems, make a few choices along the way that you might have done differently in retrospect, and add a little bit more joy to your days? What if you didn't have your health? What if you were in a paycheck-to-paycheck job, renting an apartment, and had no money for retirement set aside? Therapy may help you reflect on your reluctant role as a Monday morning quarterback.

These are issues that millions of Americans grapple with every day. They don't make your feelings invalid and they don't make your financial and emotional problems any less unique or valuable - but they do suggest that you are extremely fortunate to have these problems and that one of the ways you can let go of this "should have done X, Y or Z" mentality is to be kinder to yourself. As for your $15,000 "overpayment": House prices have risen around 5% since 2023, according to the Federal Housing Finance Agency, so please let's put that aside.

I'm taking the $15,000 off your $150,000 tally. House prices have risen around 5% since 2023.

Have a party and invite friends over to celebrate your new life and the home that you have so lovingly restored. In 5, 10 or 15 years, the $135,000 you spent renovating the house and the extra $15,000 you spent buying it will be a drop in the ocean. Your house, given the historic growth trajectory of the housing market, will continue to appreciate over time, and the work that you put into it will pay dividends in the long run. Rip up your 2025 diary and take the pages from the first six months and burn them in your fireplace. And crack open a bottle of champagne.

I understand that it can make you feel a lot better to make your own coffee for a month or more after a $150 parking ticket to offset the price. All of these costs add up. But don't nickel-and-dime your enjoyment of your life in order to punish yourself for financial decisions. Reframe them. Stop calling them "mistakes" and "overpayments" and "unnecessary expenses" and start calling them "valuable lessons" and "quality of life purchases" and "stuff I did once but wouldn't do again, but felt right at that moment"; and, the biggest one of all, "I did the best I could at the time."

The shackles of self-flagellation

There's another question: Why? Why do you rake yourself over the coals for every last cent you have spent, and second-guess every move? Why won't you allow yourself to appreciate this new home and all you have created? Why are you drawn to guilt and shame over freedom and forgiveness? Is it because they are emotions and concepts that are more familiar to you? Why do you not want to be kinder to yourself? Why do you have to prove that you need to do things perfectly to be happy? Why do you tell yourself these stories? They are not true.

I can't answer them for you, but I can say that you wouldn't have written the letter if you didn't want to shake off the shackles of self-flagellation when any number of people looking at your life from the outside would envy your fortitude, creativity, stamina and ability to build such a comfortable life. These pages are full of people with anxieties - from worrying about World War III to a retiree with $1 million who is riddled with financial security. Some people need financial advice, others require therapy or, in an ideal world, both.

Why do you need to do things perfectly? Why do you tell yourself these stories?

Leaving medication aside, there are physical exercises for anxiety that can be extremely, surprisingly, miraculously effective. "Emotional freedom tapping" $(EFT)$ is one such practice that has been shown to benefit people who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, food cravings, phobias and stress. "Like breathwork techniques, EFT tapping is relatively easy to learn and perform, and you can do it just about anywhere - meaning that if you're in the midst of a busy or stressful day, all you need to do is duck out for five to 15 minutes of solitude," says the Cleveland Clinic.

So why don't you visit a financial adviser or a trusted friend or mentor and unburden yourself? Your adviser will be able to look at your income, bank accounts, retirement savings or mortgage repayments and give you a broader perspective on your financial life, beyond $15,000 that you may - or may not - have overspent on your home. They may tell you that, in one year from now, you will probably see that you underpaid for the house. Anything is possible. An adviser can help you put all the pieces into one big jigsaw puzzle that is your life.

It's time to shift your perspective and write that big, ol' gratitude list.

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More columns from Quentin Fottrell:

I inherited a $30K trust. My bank says I'll pay $10K in taxes if I cash out. Something is not right.

My mom, 94, is leaving her $1 million estate to me, my brother and his daughter. Is that fair?

'He thinks nothing of spending $40K on a new car': My husband gives me the silent treatment. How can we agree on finances?

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-Quentin Fottrell

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October 14, 2025 07:30 ET (11:30 GMT)

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